And The World Kept Turning

     You have to be living under a rock to not know that February 14^th is just around the corner. Valentine's Day. It used to be a really difficult day for me to go through. Not because I was single but because it was my father’s birthday. Yeah, that’s right, was.

     Everyone gets over the death of a loved way in different ways and heals at different speeds.  I knew of a few people that had lost someone close to them and it changed them so much.  I never really thought I would lose my dad so soon, or anyone close to me for that matter, but when it happened I couldn't believe it. Tragedy happens to other people, stronger people, this doesn't happen to me.

     My dad didn't go suddenly.  He had an aneurysm and held on for a week in ICU. By day 5 I was preparing myself that he might not come home. Two days later my world changed. I come from a family that doesn't believe in giving up, we mourn for a bit and then we get moving. I can be a very methodical person and I did not want his death to change me for the worst especially after what I saw other people go through. I liked who I was and didn't want to become a mean or bitter person. I vowed that I would always be happy and live life to the fullest.  I didn't realize that by doing just that, it was changing me. I compensated for his death by partying, drinking and spending money like there was no tomorrow. I wanted to feel alive and I couldn't do that if I was sad. So I bottled up my emotions and plastered a smile on my face.  But when you keep everything inside, your emotions will manifest themselves in other ways.  I became afraid of dying. I have migraine headaches which is one of the symptoms he had so I was convinced the pain was an aneurysm. I went to the ER after a doozy of a headache and recently got a CAT and an MRI. Congratulations! No abnormalities. It didn't end there. I would also think the elevator cable was going to snap and I would plunge to my death. Then there were thoughts of car accidents, drowning, being shot...you get the idea. I don't know how I got over this. I guess I found that my joy was being stolen by thinking these things. We're all gonna die and worrying about it isn't going to prevent it from happening. I had to live my life. Even if it meant being a little more cautious to live it. Plus, my dad would not have wanted to be like this. I know when I leave the earth, I want everyone to cry at my funeral, move on, and then smile when the remember me.

     On the bright side I started telling everyone I loved how much they meant and started hugging them. I'm very "huggy". I wasn't very affectionate back then, only with my kids. Now I’m on the other spectrum. I practically invade people’s personal space (working on that!) and touch them when I talk to them. I don't hold grudges and forgive people within 24 hours.  I want to make a difference more and try to make positive changes in the world.  I have friends of all ages and listen and see what wisdom I can take from them.

     Besides the partying, I did get angry for a stint. It was during that first February without him. Two months after he passed. His birthday. My dad died and everyone is freaking getting flowers and balloons delivered, I thought.  Did they not know that a great man just passed? I wanted to go over to their desks, stomp on their roses and pop their balloons. Stupid bills kept coming and I begrudgingly paid them. And then I was shocked when not everyone knew he passed. I saw an old friend in the grocery store and she asked how my parents were and I had to run away from her and burst into tears a few aisles over.  That led to me practically introducing myself like a weirdo. “Hi, I’m Sandy. My dad died”. Okay it wasn't that blunt, but I felt like I had to work it into the conversation before they brought it up unexpectedly and I started crying. I was now one of those people who had a parent that died. I had to be in control, things were already different. My life was divided into two parts. With Dad and Without Dad. I wished the new people I met got to know me "With Dad". 

     Little by little, I got back to normal.  Whatever normal may be considered for me. Holidays are happy. Valentine’s Day is just another day for me to chill and pass out cards to my coworkers. I think of my dad and smile. I’ll go to a restaurant he used to take us to and look around and grin. Sometimes when my thoughts veer toward him my eyes get watery.  Mainly I don’t hurt that much anymore. No matter what phase people meet me, I want them to know me as just Sandy. Completely Sandy.The world keeps turning and I’m glad. 

I'm gonna leave you with a song that was played at my dad's wake. When he would come home from work, he would find my mom, hug her and say "You were on my mind today". He was always thinking of her. The rest of the song is about a breakup, I guess it could be relevant since they're not together. But this song comforts me a lot. Have a listen. :)

Movie Review: Hansel and Gretel

Movie Review

*Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

*May contain spoilers

A diabetic and virginal Hansel (played by Jeremy Renner) fights alongside his gorgeous, tough-as-nails sister Gretel (played by Gemma Arterton). Incestuous stares are shared throughout the movie as they slay witches left and right and also unlock the key to their past.

I viewed it in IMAX 3D which, correct me if I’m wrong, is two different things beautifully put together. I went in with a “meh” kind of attitude and low expectations. But it turned out to be a fun movie and the special effects were unbelievable. All movies now need to be shown in IMAX 3D.

Stop eyeing her, she's your sister, bro

From what I gather, and also because I don’t feel like researching this, Hansel really did eat a butt load of candy and the message is clear: too much of a good thing will give you diabetes. Witch hunting also doesn't give room for them to get to know members of the opposite sex because Hansel was oblivious when a young beautiful ginger was flirting with him.  Gretel has her own scenes except they’re not with a human and there's no flirtation. 

There’s a lot of witchcraft and attempts to sacrifice children which made me a little uncomfortable. I always get squeamish with horror movies that include little kids (except for the Hunger Games). But the action scenes were well worth the price of admission! 

I give it 2 very enthusiastic **Megan Fox clubbed thumbs UP.

Rated R:            

Violence

Gore

Language

Nudity

Also starring Famke Janssen as the mother of all witches. 

And since we’re on the topic of movies, A Good Day To Die Hard hits theaters February 14^th and is preceded by a Die Hard marathon at select theaters.  If I can’t make it to the marathon I know how I’m spending my Valentine’s Day. 

**I know Megan Fox only has one clubbed thumb.

10 Ways You Know You're A Responsible Adult

Man, I hope your Monday is off to a good start! We’re all being productive adults, right? What makes us really grown ups? We turn 18 and boom the law says we can join the military, vote, move out and get tried as an adult. We turn 21 and we can drink and get into certain clubs if we want to. But are we mentally and emotionally prepared for this? If there was criteria, would you pass? Who loves top 10 lists? Who doesn't?  Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll stop asking questions and present to you:

10 Ways You Know You’re A Responsible Adult

Look who tied their shoes with no help

1     You pay your own bills.  And on time at that!

2     You budget. Gone are the days where you’d buy clothes you’ll only wear once and go and feast at a posh restaurant and buy obscure items online the very second you got paid. Now you open your spreadsheet and delegate your check down to the penny!

3     You show up at work on little to no sleep. Why? Because people are counting on you! And you also need the money. Whatever the reason is (sick child, party, insomnia) you were determined to go. Although you should use good judgment. It’s one thing if a stuffy nose kept you up and it’s something else when you’re hacking away with that new strain of the flu. Think of your coworkers, bro.

4     You clean because you want to and things stay clean. My first foray into bachelorhood (or bacherlorettehood), I’ll admit, I wasn't good at this. I would come home tired and I slept a lot; maybe I was depressed, not sure. But this time I got it going on and am focused. Now if only I could clean up my appearance. I tell you, singlehood has its perks. I live in yoga pants, t-shirts and sneakers. A little tomboyish, I know. I’m off topic, where was I? Cleaning. If you got kids, have them help too! My crew and I can do the entire house in under an hour.

5     You face your problems. No more calling mom and dad to accompany you to get your car registered, go to court or look for a place. You put on your big kid pants and handle your business. No more blaming your childhood or your partner either! You sit there and you talk things out. The immature you would have walked out and gone on a 2 day drinking binge. Not you today, no sir. (This excludes moving in with mom and dad due to divorce, injury/illness, or job loss. That’s just until you get on your feet)

6     The only tickets you get are traffic tickets.  I get it. Sometimes we park in an unauthorized area or didn't realize we were going 7 over the limit. But if you’re getting cited for fraud or public intoxication, it’s time to reevaluate your friends and your choices. Also DWI or DUI’s are not the kind of traffic tickets I was mentioning above. Get your it together.

7      You manage your time wisely. You are no longer the girl that posted status updates like “When am I going to find my prince charming?” “Where is Mr. Right?” And you've only updated your profile pic twice this year! You go girl. You’re probably out volunteering or paying it forward or even organizing those pictures into an actual album instead of online. You may even be outside in the real world talking to people in real life and you’re only reading this because you took your phone to the bathroom at the restaurant. Keep it up.

8     You act professionally. Remember back in the day when you’d quit your job at the drop of a hat? Or when you got into it with a customer during your Starbucks days? Those days are gone. You’re the guy that holds his tongue when his boss is rude. You own up to your mistakes. Yes, it was you who transposed those numbers and we salute you for manning up!

9     You’re preparing for the future. You have your mutual funds going and you’re saving for retirement. Gold star, my friend.

10   You take care of yourself. You know when it’s time  for your body to rest or go on a vacation. You exercise. You eat right. You visit the doctor regularly and you owned that colonoscopy like a boss. You realize that this is the only body you have and you might as well look out for it.

There you have it. It’s not about the age because I know teens (a couple) who meet a lot of these principles and some of you have probably been doing these things from the get go. And it’s not about money because Lindsay Lohan doesn't even meet the list halfway. It's about growth, wisdom and experience.

I was iffy about putting owning a house but applause if you’re paying for your residence, whether it’s renting or buying. Besides, we know you’re saving. ;)  What else needs to be on the list of maturity? Leave your add-ons in the comments below. 

All they can do is say no

                                                             Sorry, I haven't been out to take real pictures.

     When I was a little girl, I would ask my mom if I should apply/try out for things, i.e. student council, cheerleading etc. etc. etc. My mom would reply “Just try it, all they can do is say no”.   Those were her words, what she meant was the worst that could happen was that you don’t get in.  So I did and I failed miserably a lot! Ha ha! But I made the attempt and I have no regrets and now never wonder “what if”.  I do want to add that I made it for a few things I attempted. J

     I’m in a newly created position at my job. I’m so thankful for it because it’s just what I needed.  I remember when I first started working at my company almost 5 years ago. It was tedious and difficult and I was always under pressure. I made the effort to go above and beyond and really figure things out and work more efficiently.  I invented effective shortcuts that got the job done in a quicker amount of time. Once I mastered that, I started to get bored.  I get bored easily and that is one of my downfalls.  But what is one to do when they love their company (very supportive, great benefits, flexible) yet she is suffering from indifference of the actual tasks?  Well the person in question would apply for a lateral transfer.  I simply went to a routine meeting and got the announcement that one of my coworkers, in another sub-department was moving out of state and that we would be throwing her a party.  Sad for my coworker, yet excited about an opening, I approached the woman over that area and proposed my idea to her.  She mulled it over for a day and then I got the news that I would be moving there.          *Marcy had two weeks left so I was trained by her which was great. Also she was on a different system so it added more software to my resume.  I was up for the challenge and enjoyed every bit of it. Seasons came and went and there was a department shuffle. My sub-department was going to be moved to another area and we were going to be under new (to us) management. My current supervisor and manager stayed behind.  I was not looking forward to this but had time to mentally prepare. And I always tell my children that there are going to be changes in life that we did not ask for but we have to roll with it.  So here was my chance to practice what I preached.  My last department had been with me through a lot: the death of my dad, sickness, hospitalizations. These new people didn't know anything about me so I was wary. It took me about a year before I let my guard down and got to know people.  Slowly but surely, I would start asking about their families and how they were doing. Before I knew it, we were joking and laughing and getting work done like nobody’s business. 

     Management started noticing that my sub-department was being bombarded and there was a certain area of work that was becoming overloaded.  It was a burden for two reasons. First, yes, there were a lot of accounts, but secondly everyone but me hated working in that area of the system. To this day, I still can’t figure out why I love it and they hate it but it worked out perfectly.  Management pitched to upper management about creating a new position and fast forward to months later and I was congratulated for a 107% decrease in that zone. 

     This wouldn't have happened if years ago I never put in for a transfer.  It’s funny how it all worked out.  And I know that there was a certain risk involved in all of this.  But if it got to be too overwhelming, I would have walked into my manager’s office with my tail between my legs admitting defeat.  Fortunately, I didn't have to and all is well. I just want to leave anyone reading this with one phrase “Try for it, all they can do is say no”.

*Names have been changed 

Let's close that chapter

     Let’s even close that particular book. On my past that is. I was closing an old email account and had to go through and make sure I had downloaded all the pictures in it. There was quite a few of me in my 20’s. I looked back and saw a girl who had so much potential and talent and a lot to offer. I wish she knew that. I wish she didn't waste her time in a bad relationship. About 4 or 5 years of her life gone, just like that.   She was miserable, anxious, depressed, stressed, and scared.  I used to want to go back in time and shake her and say “You are worth it! You deserve better!” but I can’t. It’s better now. I've gotten past it. 

     This is a really hard post for me to write. It may even shock some people. I’m not even sure “shock” is the right word.  I don’t know how anyone will react. They know me now as outgoing and optimistic. In my post “Women of Excellence”, I mentioned that I put myself in social situations to just get better at being with people, well my past was the reason. Once I got out of this relationship I was still very awkward and almost mute and fidgety (I still sort of fidget but it’s improving). I wanted to escape any small talk with strangers, coworkers, neighbors….you name it. I had my hair in my face and avoided eye contact. Anything for people not to “see” me.

     First off, I want to take some responsibility for being in that kind of situation. I've analyzed it several times. It stemmed from some kind of insecurity and codependency. Those two characteristics go hand in hand and you can’t have one without the other.  I still don’t understand it totally.  I had a great childhood with two really great parents so nothing in my home life was out of the ordinary.  I had a boyfriend in high school and that’s when it started. In the beginning it was trust issues then it slowly evolved into something bigger. I’m trying to not get too detailed about some parts so please bear with me. I was a goody two shoes student dating a guy who dropped out and went to jail and was on probation. I don’t think my parents knew his entire story. I just said he had already graduated and was working. The truth was that he had to work; it was part of his probation.  We were so mismatched it didn't make sense to anyone.  But it happened.

     Fast forward to 5 years and 2 kids later.  I was living alone with my children in an apartment and just getting used to being on my own and being a single parent. I wanted better.  I was doing really well for starting from scratch. Then after two years, I started feeling lonely. I guess I fooled myself. I may have been going through the motions of doing well, but I hadn't taken stock of how well I was doing emotionally.  And I kept thinking that I needed a father for my children. I grew up in a two parent home and I felt they deserved to as well.  So it happens again.  I know that right now some of you are probably shaking your heads and giving yourself a face-palm.  I was mad about it too when I first looked back.  Did my standards rise? Not in the slightest.  All I knew was that he was nice and funny and cute.  They all start off like that.  Did he have a job? Nope.  A car? Not even.  His own place?  No.  So what did he have? Let’s start with probation. Yes again. Obviously back then I was drawn to guys that I felt needed my help and I could take care of them.  That’s the codependency.  I think that was all he had.  That was all that we had, the need for each other.  He was good to my children and that was a big plus for me.  After 6 months, he moved in.  The first year was great! But we were fooling ourselves. Responsibilities and bills kick in. You start seeing who the other person really is. And my ex had a lot of unresolved issues.  Things gradually got worse and worse.  It started with his excessive drinking.  He would call me names and tear me down. I made excuses. It was just an argument, just a little fight.  We’d go a couple months and then the next big argument.  I don’t know when it got physical.  I blocked a lot of stuff out.  Before I knew it, I was walking on eggshells in the very apartment that was in my name that I worked so hard to get. I lost a few jobs during that time. It’s hard to keep one when someone keeps you up arguing and refuses to let you sleep.  I remember going to work at one job with a fist sized bruise on my upper arm. I was so nonchalant about it and didn't understand everyone’s concern. In my head, at that time, it was just a bruise.  Not a big deal, it’s not like he broke a bone or anything.  I see now that when you’re in that environment, it does become normal. And by environment, I mean the apartment complex I lived in.  It was a subsidized community and domestic abuse was prevalent. It was not unusual to see another girl with bruises or a busted lip.  So when I’m at work where everyone is outside in the real world they saw what I couldn't.  My head (and I wasn't the only one) was that messed up.  This was wrong in so many ways. You cannot think of abuse in levels i.e. a bruise or a cut is not much compared to a serious hospital visit, it's all abuse.  It’s just black and white, it is not okay.  A man should never put his hands on a woman. I do recognize that this should go both ways.

     I can’t believe myself back then.  I was smaller than him.  He was twice my size. I put up with this.  But people were starting to get through to me.  Every word that was said stayed with me.  From one of my friends saying that I was practically a zombie around him to the police officer that came to my house and told me to look around, look at all the beer bottles.  I don’t know who the officer was, but I want to thank him and let him know that he did break through a little that night. Another person once told me that sometimes no dad is better than a bad dad (in regards to my children). And of course, I want to thank my family who never gave up on me.  I’m sure my mom prayed a hundred prayers for me.  Anything that anyone said to me over those years started to get to me.

     I was miserable. I would pray every day for an out in this relationship.  Without elaborating there were some complicated circumstances to where I couldn't just up and leave and in my state he had a right to be in my apartment. But I was done. I was losing all "feelings" for him. I would ask “Are you going out with your friends tonight?” hoping that he would so I could be free of him. Ironic because in the beginning I would cry and beg him not to go out and just be with me, it was disgusting.  I was to the point of indifference. It’s all over when someone reaches that point. No feeling, no emotion. Just go. And miraculously he did.

     It took some time to get to where I am today once I was free. I had to learn about myself and who I really was.  I’m so happy to say it’s been four years and things are really good. I’m independent and carefree now.  I love my job, I've been there a while and I've moved out of those apartments shortly after he left. I’m currently saving to buy a house.  I feel complete and most importantly I feel at peace.  I love it.  I go to bed and no one is yelling.  If I want to leave clothes in the dryer just a day longer, I can. Not to sound cliché but I don’t need to be in a relationship.  I recognize that I have some more healing to do because I run from anyone that could possibly be more than a friend. I have left people and stopped returning their calls if they try. I have walls up and I’m scared to let anyone get close to me so I can’t say that I don’t have any emotional scars because I do. But I do have wonderful, amazing friends who still love me for me.

I know today’s post was long-winded  but I just had to get this weight off of me. Comments are welcome or if you prefer to talk in private you can message me or email me. 

-Sandy 

Untitled Poem

     What I love about writing is that it's my release, it's my art. It allows me to go crazy when I'm disciplined in other areas of my life. Below is one of my recent poems. I had to post it here because I'm paranoid it might get stolen. I posted earlier and I've decided to rewrite it for my younger audience. You can view the original here. I usually write and then rip my original to shreds and tweak it. There's always a lot of tweaking. lol But here it is:

I'm not ready for our lives to change
Thought we were kindred spirits
We had an agreement
I won't do this anymore
I don’t want to lose everything I worked for
You won’t get any closer than arm’s length
I can’t be what you want me to be
Thought you understood
You’re special but there will always be more like you.
You have my laughter, my tears
but you can’t have my soul, 
And you can’t keep me
I’m not ready for our lives to change, 
I liked things the way they were
And you had to go and ruin it
Had to want more

I'm not ready for our lives to change

     Mainly it's about a somewhat relationship that the other person is changing and the speaker doesn't want it to change. Sometimes you just want to have someone to call and discuss your day with them and then hang up the phone and go about your business. You want that shoulder to cry on and someone to crack up with you.  Not everyone is in a position to be serious with someone. And sometimes the other person is just too intense and too hellbent on being an item. If the other person is willing to wait, then fine. If not then that changes things. Well there it is. Just had to put it out there. Until next time fellow poets!

Women of Excellence

     As you know, this blog is still in its early stages and I’m not sure yet what direction I want to take it. I’m still finding the voice and the demographic for it. So at this time, I’m just writing what comes my way.

     This morning, I had the opportunity to go to a Women of Excellence brunch. I’m so glad I got up and went because I met some awesome ladies plus I’m getting better at being in social situations. I’m somewhat of a social butterfly already, but I wasn't always that way. It took a lot of putting myself in situations where I would have to talk to complete strangers and get to know them to get this way. My first interactions were always awkward (and I still have my moments) but after going home and analyzing what I did wrong, I would find another event and attend and put myself out there again. So off I went to this event. It was little drive, the next city over. Not too far.

     I get there and see the food spread beautifully, but we couldn't eat just yet. After getting my name tag and signing in, I scan the room for familiar faces and saw a couple but their tables were full. So I made my way to another table. As I said earlier the women were awesome and I connected with all of them.  Later, a woman I knew did join us and the morning just got better and better.

     Then it was time to chow down! I had a protein shake earlier because I wanted to get my metabolism started on the right foot today.  That seemed to help a little but not much because there was mountains of food. It all began with French toast and then went to breakfast quiches. From there it turned into breakfast burritos, biscuits, sausages, cinnamon rolls and all the pastries you could desire. I had told myself no carbs. Yeah, right. By the time I got to the fruit, I was part happy, part shameful. I quickly added strawberries and grapes to my growing pile of delight and headed to the beverage table. A quick grab of juice and water and I was balancing my way back to my table.

     I’m pretty proud I ate the fruit first. Ha ha! But then came the carbs. Oh well, it was a cheat day, right? ;)  My table mates and I chatted and got to know one another and I learned that we had a table mostly made up of single moms. I listened to their stories of overcoming hardships and where they are at today and it was all very inspiring. There was a vast age range at the brunch and I just listened and absorbed what I could in the very short time that we were there.

     The guest speakers were great. I could not believe what background some of them came from because looking at them today, you’d never guess what they've been through.  It was truly amazing and I felt blessed to be able to attend.

     Well that’s all I got today, dear readers.  I’ll leave you with a picture. It’s not a good one because of where I was seated. Next time I will sit on the outskirts so I can get a pic of the entire venue. Also if you would like to know when the next event will be please leave me a comment and your email.

Guilty Pleasure

     Reality TV irritates me. Why watch other people live their life when I can live mine? I don't really watch much TV in the first place but when I do it's science fiction/fantasy/action, you get the idea. I have this one show that’s a guilty pleasure. I’m not going say what it is because then I’ll lose street cred. And we can’t have that.  Anyways tonight I’m going to test out the TV show workout games that go with this show. It’s like a drinking game but with workouts.  I’ll review on the difficulty level of doing this while watching a live story line (no TiVo).

      And I’m back. That was difficult. I got through about 15 minutes of it. I printed out 3 versions of the show workouts so I was going back and forth between all 3 pages and trying to hear the story-line and get my workout in. I did about 30 squats, 10 crunches, some calf raises and push-ups.  My legs were getting shaky towards the end (I’m still not a hardcore exerciser).  For next week’s show I’m going to combine these 3 workouts on 1 Word document and categorize it by the character’s names.  All 3 workouts jumped from character to character down the list and it was hard to find a particular scene. This was a fun way to watch a show and I highly recommend you search your favorite show and see whether or not they have a workout game.

     So fellow workout TV watchers what’s your guilty pleasure?

     And no, you’re not getting the name of my show out of me! ;)