The other day I was talking to my friend, George
Stephanopoulos*, about his weekend.
George told me how a female friend of his held him hostage the entire
weekend while she cried over a break up.
He was there for her, bringing her food and giving her comforting words
and then the tears would start all over again. It got me thinking how nice it
would have been if he had known that she would cry for days. What if she came
with a manual and under the breakup section it had the following:
Break Ups:
*This woman will cry for 2 days.
*Be sure to have all errands ran and stock up on ice cream
and movies
.
Then I wondered what my instruction booklet would say
because every woman is different. And I gotta tell ya, being a woman is
difficult sometimes. There are the hormonal mood swings where I’m literally
checking the calendar and thinking Oh,
I’m just moody. I really wouldn't get hurt over something like this. Shake it
off. And days where I feel fat. Yeah, something is definitely happening to
me. Lately I’ve been feeling more girly than usual. Don’t get me wrong, I still
love my jeans and sneakers but recently I’m longing for the days were I wore
dresses and skirts regularly. I guess
I’m going to have to find a balance. I’ve gotten off topic, let’s bring it
back. Maybe I should add “gets off topic”
to my mine?
Before I go on, I want to say this is just for humor only
and I’ll only scratch the surface of me. I can’t let everything be known about
me. What’s that cliché? A woman’s heart is an ocean of secrets or something to
that effect. So without further ado I give you my instructions:
Sadness (someone yelled at her)
*If crying just hug and say “Shake it off”.
Sadness (argument with friend/family)
*Hug followed by “It’ll work out”. Be sure to take her side.
Sadness (death or terminal illness of loved one)
*Just hold her for as long as needed. No words.
Valentine’s Day
*Send her favorite flowers to work.
*Take her to dinner.
Birthday
*Dinner. No gifts. Not even she knows what she wants for her
birthday.
Competitions
Never let her win. She likes to beat you fair and square.
Quality Time
*One date a week.
How To Tell If She Likes You
*This woman does not come with that feature.
If only this were true. Guys, it’s really not that
complicated. Just know the woman you have chosen. Some women are high maintenance
and some just don’t care. They can be
mean or loving. They can put up a front
or a wall or they can let you in right away. Men seem to have it so easy. Too
easy almost. The rejection from a woman
is the only thing that can put a little hiccup in your day, but you bounce back
so quick. You guys take about 30 minutes
to get ready. How I wish that were true for me! You always seem stable and
hardly change over the years. I take at
least an hour to get ready. I constantly have my guard up. I hate losing to a guy. I’m both fascinated
and yet terrified of the opposite sex.
Even though it seems complicated, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because
in all honesty, it feels good to be a woman.
*Not the real George Stephanopoulos. I’m now letting my guy
friends pick their aliases.
