A Haunting Past

A while back I was at work having a pretty good day.  Then suddenly a memory hit me out of nowhere.  This was not a good memory, mind you, but one that brought on shame, regret, and sadness.  From there, I went on to remember more mistakes I made in the past until I was beating myself down mentally.

I posted something about needing a hug and got some awesome, uplifting responses from my friends.  My friend, Ed*, texted me to see what was wrong and I told him my past failures and mistakes were getting me down. He replied “All that made the smart woman you are today”, which cheered me up a little. But I was still sad.  Like I wanted to embrace the sadness or something.  As I replayed scenarios over and over in my head, I kept thinking what I would have or should have done differently.  A part of me wanted to hold on to those negative feelings because that’s what made me learn and grow. They were those young, dumb lapses in judgment that we make and I have no intention of repeating them.  I want those bad memories because I became wiser. I just wish I could have not gone through a few experiences to learn what I have learned.  I think it’s okay to hold onto the past for purposes of reflection, but I wasn't just doing that, I was also reliving them and cringing inside.

I had to tell myself that I’m not that person anymore.  I've come a long, long way and even though I still have a ways to go I’m hoping the next phases of life have more to do with listening and heeding advice from others so I won’t have to go through anything based on bad decisions.

I don’t ever want to forget where I came from but I’m not going to let the past define me.  

*Because his name is Ed.