Saturday, August 3, 2013

"I don't understand women"

The other day I was talking to my friend, George Stephanopoulos*, about his weekend.  George told me how a female friend of his held him hostage the entire weekend while she cried over a break up.  He was there for her, bringing her food and giving her comforting words and then the tears would start all over again. It got me thinking how nice it would have been if he had known that she would cry for days. What if she came with a manual and under the breakup section it had the following:

Break Ups:
*This woman will cry for 2 days.

*Be sure to have all errands ran and stock up on ice cream and movies
Then I wondered what my instruction booklet would say because every woman is different. And I gotta tell ya, being a woman is difficult sometimes. There are the hormonal mood swings where I’m literally checking the calendar and thinking Oh, I’m just moody. I really wouldn't get hurt over something like this. Shake it off. And days where I feel fat. Yeah, something is definitely happening to me. Lately I’ve been feeling more girly than usual. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my jeans and sneakers but recently I’m longing for the days were I wore dresses and skirts regularly.  I guess I’m going to have to find a balance. I’ve gotten off topic, let’s bring it back.  Maybe I should add “gets off topic” to my mine?

Before I go on, I want to say this is just for humor only and I’ll only scratch the surface of me. I can’t let everything be known about me. What’s that clich√©? A woman’s heart is an ocean of secrets or something to that effect. So without further ado I give you my instructions:

Sadness (someone yelled at her)
*If crying just hug and say “Shake it off”.

Sadness (argument with friend/family)
*Hug followed by “It’ll work out”. Be sure to take her side.

Sadness (death or terminal illness of loved one)
*Just hold her for as long as needed. No words.

Valentine’s Day
*Send her favorite flowers to work.
*Take her to dinner.

*Dinner. No gifts. Not even she knows what she wants for her birthday.

Never let her win. She likes to beat you fair and square.

Quality Time
*One date a week.

How To Tell If She Likes You
*This woman does not come with that feature.

If only this were true. Guys, it’s really not that complicated. Just know the woman you have chosen. Some women are high maintenance and some just don’t care.  They can be mean or loving.  They can put up a front or a wall or they can let you in right away. Men seem to have it so easy. Too easy almost.  The rejection from a woman is the only thing that can put a little hiccup in your day, but you bounce back so quick.  You guys take about 30 minutes to get ready. How I wish that were true for me! You always seem stable and hardly change over the years.  I take at least an hour to get ready. I constantly have my guard up.  I hate losing to a guy. I’m both fascinated and yet terrified of the opposite sex.  Even though it seems complicated, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because in all honesty, it feels good to be a woman.

*Not the real George Stephanopoulos. I’m now letting my guy friends pick their aliases. 

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