Don't Ever Change (For Me)

I don’t consider this a deal breaker, because that implies that it’s early in the getting- to-know-you stages. This is more for a relationship that has run its course. But I’m starting a series on deal breakers soon and this is kind of a segue in into it.  I wanted to write about this because this is a "final straw" type thing.

There are two ways this could happen. Let’s explore the first which is someone promising to change. Thinking back to a time when I was going through a nasty break up, I remember the promise of “I’ll do whatever you want, please don’t go”. If I’m walking away it’s too late.  I don’t want someone changing on my accord. I want you to come to me already on the same wave length, granted that relationship was full of red flags and I kept ignoring them until I couldn't take it anymore, but what if it wasn't? What if he was wonderful and we just didn't flow together? I still wouldn't want to mold someone to my liking.

This brings me to the second way change is proposed. When you want the other person to change instead of them offering it.  That old adage of women training men is garbage. No one should date someone to change them or “train” them. That’s different from adapting to being with someone. We might make little tweaks here and there to accommodate one another and that’s perfectly fine within the lines of compromise. It’s when you start attempting to change their personality and who there are regardless if it’s a personality that’s immature or self-centered. You may want them to be a better person but that’s going to be up to them to grow up. This is why it’s okay to be picky when dating. Once you’re with someone, love them for who they are quirks and all.*

Whether it’s the other person’s idea for them to change or yours, in the end, the one who changes becomes resentful and a break up would ensue anyway. Basically someone changing for you is just prolonging the inevitable.

With that said, change is still good, but it has to come from within. And I would like to point out that people can change for the better. I've seen it happen several times, not just in partnerships but also family situations. As for me, personally? I’m constantly evaluating myself and seeing what areas I can improve in. I want personal growth and maturity in all aspects of my life. I think the world needs more nice people. And it can be difficult sometimes. I can be moody or tired or cranky, but I still want to be pleasant to people. I also want to work on focusing better. I’m so used to doing 5 things at once that some things start to suffer. I like to take pride in my work and lately I’ve been noticing some things are taking a back seat. I really need to sit down and prioritize everything I have going on. Being single, I have the time to do this more so than if I was in a relationship. But don’t let being with someone stop you. We can all use a little self-evaluation. In this coming year, what would you like to work on that’s out of the norm?

* I would advise if the other person is abusive in any way, shape, or form to get up and leave immediately. Everyone knows from one of my earlier posts that I do not condone abuse of any kind.