Let's close that chapter

     Let’s even close that particular book. On my past that is. I was closing an old email account and had to go through and make sure I had downloaded all the pictures in it. There was quite a few of me in my 20’s. I looked back and saw a girl who had so much potential and talent and a lot to offer. I wish she knew that. I wish she didn't waste her time in a bad relationship. About 4 or 5 years of her life gone, just like that.   She was miserable, anxious, depressed, stressed, and scared.  I used to want to go back in time and shake her and say “You are worth it! You deserve better!” but I can’t. It’s better now. I've gotten past it. 

     This is a really hard post for me to write. It may even shock some people. I’m not even sure “shock” is the right word.  I don’t know how anyone will react. They know me now as outgoing and optimistic. In my post “Women of Excellence”, I mentioned that I put myself in social situations to just get better at being with people, well my past was the reason. Once I got out of this relationship I was still very awkward and almost mute and fidgety (I still sort of fidget but it’s improving). I wanted to escape any small talk with strangers, coworkers, neighbors….you name it. I had my hair in my face and avoided eye contact. Anything for people not to “see” me.

     First off, I want to take some responsibility for being in that kind of situation. I've analyzed it several times. It stemmed from some kind of insecurity and codependency. Those two characteristics go hand in hand and you can’t have one without the other.  I still don’t understand it totally.  I had a great childhood with two really great parents so nothing in my home life was out of the ordinary.  I had a boyfriend in high school and that’s when it started. In the beginning it was trust issues then it slowly evolved into something bigger. I’m trying to not get too detailed about some parts so please bear with me. I was a goody two shoes student dating a guy who dropped out and went to jail and was on probation. I don’t think my parents knew his entire story. I just said he had already graduated and was working. The truth was that he had to work; it was part of his probation.  We were so mismatched it didn't make sense to anyone.  But it happened.

     Fast forward to 5 years and 2 kids later.  I was living alone with my children in an apartment and just getting used to being on my own and being a single parent. I wanted better.  I was doing really well for starting from scratch. Then after two years, I started feeling lonely. I guess I fooled myself. I may have been going through the motions of doing well, but I hadn't taken stock of how well I was doing emotionally.  And I kept thinking that I needed a father for my children. I grew up in a two parent home and I felt they deserved to as well.  So it happens again.  I know that right now some of you are probably shaking your heads and giving yourself a face-palm.  I was mad about it too when I first looked back.  Did my standards rise? Not in the slightest.  All I knew was that he was nice and funny and cute.  They all start off like that.  Did he have a job? Nope.  A car? Not even.  His own place?  No.  So what did he have? Let’s start with probation. Yes again. Obviously back then I was drawn to guys that I felt needed my help and I could take care of them.  That’s the codependency.  I think that was all he had.  That was all that we had, the need for each other.  He was good to my children and that was a big plus for me.  After 6 months, he moved in.  The first year was great! But we were fooling ourselves. Responsibilities and bills kick in. You start seeing who the other person really is. And my ex had a lot of unresolved issues.  Things gradually got worse and worse.  It started with his excessive drinking.  He would call me names and tear me down. I made excuses. It was just an argument, just a little fight.  We’d go a couple months and then the next big argument.  I don’t know when it got physical.  I blocked a lot of stuff out.  Before I knew it, I was walking on eggshells in the very apartment that was in my name that I worked so hard to get. I lost a few jobs during that time. It’s hard to keep one when someone keeps you up arguing and refuses to let you sleep.  I remember going to work at one job with a fist sized bruise on my upper arm. I was so nonchalant about it and didn't understand everyone’s concern. In my head, at that time, it was just a bruise.  Not a big deal, it’s not like he broke a bone or anything.  I see now that when you’re in that environment, it does become normal. And by environment, I mean the apartment complex I lived in.  It was a subsidized community and domestic abuse was prevalent. It was not unusual to see another girl with bruises or a busted lip.  So when I’m at work where everyone is outside in the real world they saw what I couldn't.  My head (and I wasn't the only one) was that messed up.  This was wrong in so many ways. You cannot think of abuse in levels i.e. a bruise or a cut is not much compared to a serious hospital visit, it's all abuse.  It’s just black and white, it is not okay.  A man should never put his hands on a woman. I do recognize that this should go both ways.

     I can’t believe myself back then.  I was smaller than him.  He was twice my size. I put up with this.  But people were starting to get through to me.  Every word that was said stayed with me.  From one of my friends saying that I was practically a zombie around him to the police officer that came to my house and told me to look around, look at all the beer bottles.  I don’t know who the officer was, but I want to thank him and let him know that he did break through a little that night. Another person once told me that sometimes no dad is better than a bad dad (in regards to my children). And of course, I want to thank my family who never gave up on me.  I’m sure my mom prayed a hundred prayers for me.  Anything that anyone said to me over those years started to get to me.

     I was miserable. I would pray every day for an out in this relationship.  Without elaborating there were some complicated circumstances to where I couldn't just up and leave and in my state he had a right to be in my apartment. But I was done. I was losing all "feelings" for him. I would ask “Are you going out with your friends tonight?” hoping that he would so I could be free of him. Ironic because in the beginning I would cry and beg him not to go out and just be with me, it was disgusting.  I was to the point of indifference. It’s all over when someone reaches that point. No feeling, no emotion. Just go. And miraculously he did.

     It took some time to get to where I am today once I was free. I had to learn about myself and who I really was.  I’m so happy to say it’s been four years and things are really good. I’m independent and carefree now.  I love my job, I've been there a while and I've moved out of those apartments shortly after he left. I’m currently saving to buy a house.  I feel complete and most importantly I feel at peace.  I love it.  I go to bed and no one is yelling.  If I want to leave clothes in the dryer just a day longer, I can. Not to sound cliché but I don’t need to be in a relationship.  I recognize that I have some more healing to do because I run from anyone that could possibly be more than a friend. I have left people and stopped returning their calls if they try. I have walls up and I’m scared to let anyone get close to me so I can’t say that I don’t have any emotional scars because I do. But I do have wonderful, amazing friends who still love me for me.

I know today’s post was long-winded  but I just had to get this weight off of me. Comments are welcome or if you prefer to talk in private you can message me or email me. 

-Sandy