And The World Kept Turning

     You have to be living under a rock to not know that February 14^th is just around the corner. Valentine's Day. It used to be a really difficult day for me to go through. Not because I was single but because it was my father’s birthday. Yeah, that’s right, was.

     Everyone gets over the death of a loved way in different ways and heals at different speeds.  I knew of a few people that had lost someone close to them and it changed them so much.  I never really thought I would lose my dad so soon, or anyone close to me for that matter, but when it happened I couldn't believe it. Tragedy happens to other people, stronger people, this doesn't happen to me.

     My dad didn't go suddenly.  He had an aneurysm and held on for a week in ICU. By day 5 I was preparing myself that he might not come home. Two days later my world changed. I come from a family that doesn't believe in giving up, we mourn for a bit and then we get moving. I can be a very methodical person and I did not want his death to change me for the worst especially after what I saw other people go through. I liked who I was and didn't want to become a mean or bitter person. I vowed that I would always be happy and live life to the fullest.  I didn't realize that by doing just that, it was changing me. I compensated for his death by partying, drinking and spending money like there was no tomorrow. I wanted to feel alive and I couldn't do that if I was sad. So I bottled up my emotions and plastered a smile on my face.  But when you keep everything inside, your emotions will manifest themselves in other ways.  I became afraid of dying. I have migraine headaches which is one of the symptoms he had so I was convinced the pain was an aneurysm. I went to the ER after a doozy of a headache and recently got a CAT and an MRI. Congratulations! No abnormalities. It didn't end there. I would also think the elevator cable was going to snap and I would plunge to my death. Then there were thoughts of car accidents, drowning, being shot...you get the idea. I don't know how I got over this. I guess I found that my joy was being stolen by thinking these things. We're all gonna die and worrying about it isn't going to prevent it from happening. I had to live my life. Even if it meant being a little more cautious to live it. Plus, my dad would not have wanted to be like this. I know when I leave the earth, I want everyone to cry at my funeral, move on, and then smile when the remember me.

     On the bright side I started telling everyone I loved how much they meant and started hugging them. I'm very "huggy". I wasn't very affectionate back then, only with my kids. Now I’m on the other spectrum. I practically invade people’s personal space (working on that!) and touch them when I talk to them. I don't hold grudges and forgive people within 24 hours.  I want to make a difference more and try to make positive changes in the world.  I have friends of all ages and listen and see what wisdom I can take from them.

     Besides the partying, I did get angry for a stint. It was during that first February without him. Two months after he passed. His birthday. My dad died and everyone is freaking getting flowers and balloons delivered, I thought.  Did they not know that a great man just passed? I wanted to go over to their desks, stomp on their roses and pop their balloons. Stupid bills kept coming and I begrudgingly paid them. And then I was shocked when not everyone knew he passed. I saw an old friend in the grocery store and she asked how my parents were and I had to run away from her and burst into tears a few aisles over.  That led to me practically introducing myself like a weirdo. “Hi, I’m Sandy. My dad died”. Okay it wasn't that blunt, but I felt like I had to work it into the conversation before they brought it up unexpectedly and I started crying. I was now one of those people who had a parent that died. I had to be in control, things were already different. My life was divided into two parts. With Dad and Without Dad. I wished the new people I met got to know me "With Dad". 

     Little by little, I got back to normal.  Whatever normal may be considered for me. Holidays are happy. Valentine’s Day is just another day for me to chill and pass out cards to my coworkers. I think of my dad and smile. I’ll go to a restaurant he used to take us to and look around and grin. Sometimes when my thoughts veer toward him my eyes get watery.  Mainly I don’t hurt that much anymore. No matter what phase people meet me, I want them to know me as just Sandy. Completely Sandy.The world keeps turning and I’m glad. 

I'm gonna leave you with a song that was played at my dad's wake. When he would come home from work, he would find my mom, hug her and say "You were on my mind today". He was always thinking of her. The rest of the song is about a breakup, I guess it could be relevant since they're not together. But this song comforts me a lot. Have a listen. :)